Photo by Rowena
I’ve come to the conclusion that few people have the desire AND the ability to start their own company. However, the entrepreneurial mindset CAN be applied in the corporate setting, no matter where you work.
For the past year, I have tried to push my girlfriend to start her own venture so that she can escape the “clutches” of her corporate job. I set her up with a blog and even lectured her over countless dinners about the beauty of lifestyle design.
Kim would always listen to my lectures and just nod her head in indifference, until last week, when I crossed the line and we entered into a full on argument:
“Kim, you need to be more motivated! Stop watching your TV and shopping and lets work together to build a venture that will produce automated income for you.”
(As a side note, it makes me laugh at the fact that so many of us talk about “automated income” online but so few of us have actually achieved it)
“Are you serious right now! I work over 40 hours/week, handle all of my family’s finances, blog at http://inourcloset.com, just started guest posting on another blog, and model and act when I get the opportunity. What else do you want me to do! Not everyone is like you Jun!”
Yes, I felt like a total asshole. I belittled my girlfriend and completely ignored her accomplishment. Worst of all, by constantly pushing her to apply the techniques of lifestyle design to her life, I’ve actually pulled her away from doing it.
Not everyone should start a company; not everyone can maintain a blog. It’s taken me 2 years to realize this.
So what is a boyfriend to do? My job permits me to work from anywhere and at any time that I want. I want Kim to join me on my global escapades and take her career with us. So what’s the solution?
—
I’ve been looking at things the wrong way. Instead of asking, “How can I help Kim achieve my goals” I should be asking, “How can I help Kim achieve her goals.” There is a fundamental difference here that every boyfriend and girlfriend must realize:
1. It is selfish of me to transpose my life goals onto Kim
Traveling for Kim is not about staying at hostels and freelancing to maintain a decent living; traveling is vacation time and should be enjoyed care free without the worry of a job.
(Note: I do realize that one of the goals of lifestyle design is to build an automated business that runs itself, allowing you to free your time and do what you really want to do. Yea, if it were only that easy, right?)
So Kim is completely happy with taking a few weeks of vacation a year. Kim loves her job and currently has no desire to build her own company.
2. It is possible to apply lifestyle design to achieve your goals in the corporate world
What career goals does your significant other want to achieve? This is your starting point!
Kim wants to be a Buyer for Free People and eventually own her own Boutique in Los Angeles. Up until now, I have tried to push Kim away from her goals because she can’t travel with me as a Buyer for a corporate company (= me being selfish). Well today is a turning point in our relationship; from now on, I will make every stride that I can to help Kim achieve her goals as effectively as possible.
My “Master Plan” (created on the plane ride to New York, so it still needs to be revised with Kim’s input)
- Research and discover who the Buyers at Free People are
- Connect Kim with the current Buyers at Free People
- Through feedback from current Buyers, position Kim to become a Buyer for Free People within 1 year (Kim will be a Buyer by 2011)
- Research successful boutique stores in Los Angeles
- Set up meetings with the owners of these successful boutique stores
- Figure out the capital costs for a Boutique and begin a savings goal
- Position Kim’s personal brand (blog and Twitter) to optimize her ability to open up a Boutique by 2015
Hahaha, I make it sound like such an easy 7-step process 
—
Kim, I’m sorry for pushing you so hard in the wrong direction. It was selfish of me to try to transfer my career and life goals onto you. I promise that from now on, we will work together to achieve the goals that YOU want to achieve.
And don’t worry, even if we don’t hit those goals, I’ll become a millionaire soon enough 
About the author
Jun Loayza is the Co-Founder of RewardMe, a digital rewards program for restaurants and retailers. In his entrepreneurial experience, Jun has sold 2 internet companies and lead social media technology campaigns for Sephora, Whole Foods Market, Levi's, LG, and Activision.
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{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }
You’re on the right track here, Jun. It took me over a year of marriage to realize this same thing. What it boiled down to is the fact that my wife is the person she is WITHOUT me as much as she is WITH me. I had to learn to back off and let her come up with her own goals, her own timeline, and only jump in when she asked. Any relationship is about compromise and working together. No one has to be ‘the leader’ and direct the ship.
I like the way you put it: “She is the same with or without me”
I’m glad that I was able to realize this now (early in our relationship) and that I’ll be able to be a better boyfriend from now on.
I’m very used to driving the ship, but if you ask Kim, she wears the pants in the relationships
- Jun
When you are a driven and successful individual, you expect everyone around you to be. And they might be, just in a different way from what you are. One of the biggest challenges is seeing so much potential in someone that you want to yank out of them and explode onto the world, but not realizing that the person may not ready to be yanked yet.
I truly believe that the most motivational and “successful” leaders are the ones who are able to inspire others to believe in themselves and pursue their own dreams, rather than align to the endeavors of the leader.
I think you hit it dead on!
I need to learn to aspire Kim to live her own dream, and not to live my dreams. I’m already talking to her about it and I think this is going to be a very beautiful project
Jun,
You’re still trying to push Kim, just now you’re doing it in her direction rather than in your direction. People move at different paces and for different reasons. I would not try to push her at all. Let her decide when she wants your help, not before. You should direct all the energy you’re trying to use to push her to push yourself to the next level in your career. Besides the sooner you’re ballin’ the sooner she can be Kimora Lee Simmons. ;-P
Hahahah… I don’t know about Kimora Lee Simmons… I like me some Christina Ricci.
Gotta be successful!
Great post! That’s the thing, some people just need you to love them for who they are and how they want to be. When they aspire in a direction, you need to be fully supportive, but pushing them in a direction that they’re not interested in rarely works out.
Although thanks to you, she is writer her nice blog and getting guest blogging experiences
Yea, that’s pretty cool. Though I feel she could do a lot more with her writing, I won’t over-push her from now on.
How’s Amy doing btw?
Ah Jun, what am I going to do with you???
You are an awesome guy but your Type A list is not what Kim asked for or needs – it’s what you need – it’s what you do. Kim’s goals may continue to waver or change over time. She’s nothing like you (be glad). This is what attracted you to her in first place. I have a feeling Kim brings a beauty to your life which you would never be able to see without her. Remember that.
Make a relationship list for yourself and write, “As soon I start wanting to make lists for Kim or set goals for Kim, or even try to “help” Kim reach her goals (by making lists for Kim), I will consciously choose to put the focus back on myself.”
And please keep writing Jun, you make me smile.
Glad I can put a smile on your face
My A Type is definitely balanced by Kim’s B-Type, and that is definitely why I love her so much.
If she was super stressed out like me all the time, I don’t think our relationship could work.
I really really respect your ability to reflect and admit when you’re wrong dude. I’ve had trouble with this in the past with similar situations and it cost me big time.
Cheers to pressing forward and letting those you love do what they’re meant to do!
Yea, I tend to share my failures more than my successes… hahaha
I need to start talking about my achievements before people think I’m a total failure!
Hey Jun – Good for you for realizing you were pushing her too far.
As a person who works 55-60/hrs a week, it’s pretty tough running a blog at the same time.
Top 100,000 on Alexa or bust!
Hahaha, we work 80+ hours/week.
Only way to live
I can totally relate to the big picture of your post, which is: trying to make your significant other totally obsessed and excited about everything you are passionate about. I have just gotten into the blogosphere recently and want to explore every minute of the day. The thing is if I did that I would be without my great girlfriend of four years. Not good. So there has to be compromise. I have been showing her some blogs that I think she would really like and she has digged them. I also show her what twitter is and why I like it.
I can totally see why you want Kim to be entrepreneur and ditch the cubicle. But sometimes small bits of encouragement and showing the benefits of such a lifestyle will rub off on her over time. The challenge is at least part of the fun, right?
Nice post!
I understand that you want the best for you and your girlfriend and it’s great that you’re enthusiastic and motivated to achieve your goals. Just be careful you don’t come across as too controlling, forcing what you think your girlfriend wants onto her. Let her take the lead in defining her “Master plan” action steps and then support her in achieving the goals.
(Note that I don’t know you at all so my comment may be irrelevant to you personally.)
Hi Jun, great post!
“Kim, you need to be more motivated! Stop watching your TV and shopping and lets work together to build a venture that will produce automated income for you.” – LOL this is a good one.:D
I think men and women have very different ways of doing things. But from the sound of things your girlfriend works pretty damn hard.:)
Cheers
Clinton Skakun
Hey Jun, it was nice meeting you at Startup Weekend. I’m glad I came across your blog because I’ve been curious about this post and the previous one. Another one that I’m looking for is something like “How to startup while fully employed”, let me know if you have any insight into this! I’ve added you to my iGoogle and I’m looking forward to more interesting reading.
There’s nothing wrong with staying corporate or going solo/starting a business. I don’t see a distinction. If I’m at my company, I treat myself as a consultant for that company, making sure my work products meets my personal standards, set goals, exceed the goals… all without the hassle of maintaining an accounting system, managing payroll, insurance, personal liability, etc.
Watch out for a detailed post coming soon on this topic.
Jun,
). But anyways, I know what type of arguement you had, and I know how it makes you realize just how selfish we can be when it comes to entrepreneurship and thinking that it is the right thing for the people you care about… Anyways, if she is gonna be a buyer for Free People that means you are gonna be in Philly sometime, so if you are, we’ll have to have you over to the office and out for a drink or two.
I go through the same thing with my girlfriend. For the last couple of years I have tried to find the entrepreneur within her, but haven’t been able to pull it out. But I’ve gotten close…as we now work together on my company and she has become the companies most important asset (she’s more than an asset to me though
I’m glad you and your girlfriend are doing well as entrepreneurs. Yes, my girlfriend is my best asset as well
When I’m in Philly, I’ll definitely make sure to hit you up
Hey,
To me it’s still strange that you are mapping out goals for her. Shouldn’t she be doing that out of her own free will?
I guess you and I look at relationships in different ways. For me it’s not necessary for a couple to be completely integrated in terms of life / career aspirations, income, job.
Is it not cool for her to just do her own thing?
Just found your blog and great Viddler videos. Well done.
This is an important post. An entrepreneur doesn’t turn off who they are, and your wife / husband / girlfriend / whatever needs to understand that. But at the same time they are who they are. One of the things that makes an entrepreneur who they are is that they are using their own yardstick. They are looking at success based on their own terms. In terms of your second point, just because we use our yardstick, doesn’t mean others need to use ours. They can use theirs. Someone can be entrepreneurial without being an entrepreneur.
I’m looking forward to coming back to your blog to see more.
Nice Post man, galz are lazy & they would like to social network or watch videos only
I’ve been guilty of the same thing in the past. It’s not that we don’t respect our girlfriends and their careers, its just that we think our careers are so exciting we want them to experience it for themselves. Although we mean well, it often comes out as condescending and belittling. Once I realized that, I was able to change the way I talked to her about it and make she sure knew it’s not that I thought she was doing is dumb, its just that I want her to experience the same highs I experience.
I’m happy to report that my girlfriend and I have begun working on a small side project together and it’s a lot of fun to see her excited as we developed it and continue to grow it. Now she wants to start her own blog and is asking me questions about it.
What would Kim ever do without you to show the error of her ways?
This is cute. It’s also something I had to learn the hard way with my husband. I’m now focused on his goals – building an optometry practice and living in the country. My goal is help Eric work less hours at his practice and to travel often and everywhere I can.
I had similar “discussions” with my wife for some time until one day I came from a week on-site with a customer and found her engrossed in one of my Internet marketing books. She said “I get it now”, and is now a full-time Internet marketer, and we’re both reaping the rewards!
Don’t give up!
-John.
After reading Rich Dad Poor Dad as a freshman in college I thought everybody was stupid for working for someone else. I looked down upon employees as slaves. Over the years I’ve realized that some people are perfectly happy working for an employer. Everyone doesn’t have own a business to be fulfilled in life. Plus us entrepreneurs need employees, someone has to be an accountant, admin assistant, and IT guy. Many people are happy filling those roles in a company. We cannot force entrepreneurship on anyone if they are already happy where they are in life.
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