How I know my girlfriend is The One I’m going to marry
My grandparents were divorced, my parents are divorced, my older brother is divorced… it seems that the Loayza destiny is to get divorced with whom we marry.
For as long as I can remember, my dad has constantly preached that I should not get married. “Be with a lot of women, live with one if she’s special to you, but never get married because love dies son.” he would say to me.
Through Awesome Revolution, I have interviewed at least 4 Millennials that got married at the age of 22.
For a while I just couldn’t understand it. I love Kim, but there is absolutely no way I would get married to her right now. How do I even know that she’s the one? After all, I have been in many previous relationships where I fell out of love with my partner. How can I be sure that it won’t happen this time?
I searched on the blogosphere and a ton of people have written posts about “how to know if she’s the one.” All of them gave crappy, sappy advice like “You know she’s the one when the first thing you think of in the morning is her,” or “No one can tell you if she’s the one; you just know.”
Lame I say.
So as an entrepreneur, I sat back and looked at my relationship holistically. I compared my relationship with Kim now, to all of the other relationships that I’ve ever been with to see if I am going down the path of a breakup, or if Kim might truly be “the one.” Hey, all my friends seem to be married or getting married; maybe it’s time for a Loayza to find his one true love.
After analyzing my relationship, I realized the following:
I can punch her in the face when she’s annoying
Figuratively speaking guys! When Kim is being annoying, or if I have a problem with what she’s doing, I have no problems with starting a fight with her. And I’m not talking about the “where did you leave the remote control!” kind of fights. Those are lame, ridiculous, and utterly stupid. I’m talking about the kind of fights that show you care enough to get into an argument with her.
I was previously in a relationship where we absolutely never fought. It was strange, and at the same time, I thought that I was in the perfect relationship because we never had an argument. Looking back, I now realize that it wasn’t the perfect relationship; it was more like the perfect fling. We never got into a fight because we just didn’t care enough about each other for it to matter.
If Kim does something that I feel is wrong, I call her out on it. If Kim starts bumming it, I’m going to kick her little tush until she gets motivated again. All couples fight; you just need to fight for the right reasons.
I double take but don’t get hard
Hahaha… the way I phrased this point cracks me up.
For some reason, my DNA is wired in a way where I can’t help checking out other girls, flirting with other girls, and wanting them to like me. Hmmm… maybe it’s called “being a guy.”
Throughout every relationship I’ve even been in, I’ve always had a “go to girl on the side.” It wasn’t like I was cheating on my girlfriend; she was just another girl that I liked and that I knew liked me. At times I got tired of the girl I was with, so I would have fun with this other girl, making me feel more alive. Yes, I know this makes me sound like an asshole.
But I think this is a key point in knowing if I’ve found “the one.” I no longer have a girl on the side. In fact, I constantly meet girls that I am attracted to, but the thing is, I immediately tell them that I have a girlfriend. Yea, it sounds like a lame accomplishment, but it’s a pretty big deal for me. I want to make it clear to the girl, and more importantly to myself, that I am completely devoted to Kim Ear.
Lunch with the Ex
Trust is probably the most valuable component of any relationship. In my previous relationships, if I told my girlfriend that I wanted to hang out with my ex, she would flip her wig and start yelling at me, “Am I not enough for you!” I have gone out with some seriously crazy girls before….
You might think I’m lying, but I’m being completely honest when I tell you that Kim is completely fine if I go out to lunch with girls that I used to date. Of course there are a few conditions:
- We must split the bill
- She has to be completely over me
- We can’t go to a restaurant that Kim and I love to go to together
Trust is the most important part of any relationship, and the ultimate test of your mutual trust is if you trust her to go out with her ex, and if she trusts you to go out with yours.
I’m happy to say that we pass the test with flying colors.
[Notice that I say "lunch," and not "dinner." Dinner with an ex will ALWAYS be off limits]
I’m proud to show her off
I can’t wait to show Kim off to my friends and family. It’s such an amazing feeling when you have a girlfriend that you’re proud to be with.
The test for this is simple. Ask yourself:
- Do you hesitate to introduce your girlfriend to your friends or to your family
- Are you honest when you talk about your girlfriend’s career with others or do you make her career sound more prestigious than it actually is
- Do you talk about your girlfriend when you’re with your friends or family
—
Kim perfectly fits each and every one of the qualifications that are important to me. I still think I’m too young to get married (I’m 23), but I can honestly, and proudly say that Kim is the one. I’m not ashamed to say it, nor do I feel like I’m going to miss out on all of the potential girls that I could have.
This post feels right, and it makes me feel happy to put my feelings about her in writing.
Discussion: What qualifications must your significant other pass in order for you to know if he or she is the one?
Great article! Sounds like you and Kim have a healthy relationship. The two of you seem to be mature ‘young’ people. And Kim sounds like a great girl! I agree with you - 23 is too young to get married. You have plenty of time. And where the history of divorce in your family is concerned - you only live once! You don’t want look back later thinking ‘what if …’
Yea…. and what a history it is.
I think this is definitely the healthiest relationship I have ever been in. The next step we’re going to take is moving in together. I think that’s going to be really fun, and we’re going to learn so much more about each other.
As someone who had a lot of the same mentality in my early 20’s, then got married at 26, my experience is that if marriage, like anything else, is a hell of a lot of work, and more times than not seems like a sham. However, the points you raised are the same ones that my wife and I have. We can call each other out on our shit, are allowed to be human, and most of all are completely content with each other for who we are, not an idea of what we might become.
Married at 26. I was thinking along the lines of 27, so I might be reaching out to you to ask you about your experiences with marriage.
I don’t like the word “content.” Though I know you don’t mean it in this way, it sounds like you just “settled” or “got used to” your wife. I don’t want to be content with my wife and life, I want to be excited about them everyday.
Again, it’s probably just semantics
Congrats, Jun, on finding the one and on a wonderful post. I wish I could participate in the discussion, but I’m single and have been for awhile. Maybe I’ll bookmark this post and come back to it when I have found the one.
Want me to introduce you to some good looking, intelligent, ambitious guys?
Yes please. I’m a little tired of being single.
hahaha, where do you live? Maybe you should come to Vegas with my friends and me next weekend
I’m with Kristina on this one.
You have any friends in Ohio? haha
So, Jun, I just now saw your comment back to me, so I think I missed the Vegas trip. Opps. But in answer to your question, I live in San Diego.
And Jenna, thank you for having my back! Glad I am not alone.
Great Post Jun. I wanted to ask you how do you deal with the pressures of a future proposal from friends and family?
Hmmmm… to good thing is that my immediate family and my best friends don’t pressure me at all about getting married.
My parents DON’T want me to get married until I have established my career.
The really amazing thing is that my best friends from back home, Kia and Timon, both are in very serious relationships. So, it would be so great if we all got married at the same time and went through that part of our lives together.
Hahaha… yea, very sappy
My qualifications for knowing if my man is the one:
- He puts as much into the relationship as I do.
- I trust him completely, and know that I can count on him no matter what. This ranges from knowing I can call him to run an errand to knowing he would take care of me and everything at home if I got sick or injured.
- My family (particularly my brother) likes him. A lot.
- We have similar goals and desired standard of living, and are both willing to work equally hard to achieve it.
- I can imagine having kids with him, and think that we would make a good parenting team.
- I can talk to him about anything and everything pragmatically, down to how I feel about our relationship, without it ever getting too emotional or irrational.
- He makes me laugh. Often.
- We’re compatible travel companions, and things are better with him than without him.
- Even after years of living together we can still have an enjoyable conversation every day.
awwww… well that was sweet Nicole. Are you with anyone right now?
I hope that Kim and I will be able to have conversations even after years of living together
Great post! I think you do a good job of explaining the importance of a relationship being *healthy*. I think too often people focus on how much they like their partner, instead of how healthy the relationship is. There’s an important distinction, and I think you do a great job of explaining it.
I am pretty curious to see your answer to Yawza’s question, though?
Hey Christie, I actually did answer Yawza.
I really don’t receive any pressure to get married. Most of the pressure is to NOT get married and make a lot of money.
It’s hard to be the “hope” of the family; the way I deal with it is to just suck it up and do it. I also let my blog be a place where I can vent and feel supported by my close blogging community.
We’re all trying to be successful. So if can support you in any way please let me know
That’s cool that you don’t receive a lot of pressure to get married. It sucks that you’re under pressure to make money, but I love that you’re up to the challenge! That’s great.
I wish the three of us had talked in high school! I knew you both, but I talked to Tony in core classes and only got to talk to you in orchestra… I don’t think I even realize you were friends until Tony went to visit you in CA last year.
Sometimes I feel pressure to make a lot of money… but I think it’s actually a generation removed from where you are feeling it (I’m the oldest, my parents are still idealistic. Still, they weren’t raised by idealistic people and it shows through… if that makes sense.) Anyhow, I’m starting to realize that’s actually a nice release, because I’m a lot closer to my immediate family than my extended family anyhow. It’s easier to care less about what my extended family expects, which is nice.
My passion is art, and music, and in some ways logic… it has been and always will be. It’s strange how much that passion is just instilled in me… it will never be gone. I’m sure you can understand, since you are so clearly passionate about your work.
I think I’m probably going to start getting more involved in the social networking world, actually… so hopefully you will be hearing from me more often! I just love the dialogue of your blog- and Tony’s too for that matter. I want to get involved in the conversation.
I just have to free up some time for editing and organizing my ideas first :). But I’m making those changes, so the time to start being more serious about it should start very quickly!
You should definitely hang out with us! If you’re not in SoCal, we can always hang out on Skype! I’ve been doing it a lot more often and it’s such a great way to really get to know each other better.
Just checked out your blog and I think you have something really great going on. Keep it up!
As soon as I saw this blog post title I smiled. I am happy for you and Kim and although I met her only once, you two are great together.
It is funny how Yu-Kai, myself and you all have girlfriends.
Keep up the good work bro, we got the girl, now it’s time to make our company huge!
Dude, we should totally have like a “Friends” setup. We can all live together!!!
hahaha… that would be either super fun, or we would all end up hating each other.
The realization of love is found in the little moments… when you’re doing nothing with her, yet loving every second of it. Even when she’s sleeping.
http://www.marcandangel.com/2009/03/30/the-blissful-art-of-being-and-breathing/
Very cute
Even in the morning!
Jun - this is a great post man. Love is a powerful thing, and knowing that the one you are with is THE one is so amazing - it’s the same way I feel with my girlfriend. It keeps your grounded, love helps you put things in perspective - in a business sense, it helps keep you sane and organizes your priorities. It’s just an amazing, powerful thing, that no amount of professional accomplishment to replace. The idea that another human being can love YOU unconditionally, I mean, it doesn’t get much better than that.
Sorry for drifting a bit lately - but I’m still around bro, you’re doing big things, I’m working on some things of my own - we’ll have to sit down and chat soon. Keep on keeping on!
Yea, if I wasn’t with Kim, I’d be running around chasing all these girls around me. She’s good for me.
I sent you a draft. I think I’ll send you a final this week.
Let me know what you’re working on
Congrats Jun. I wish you all the best. I pray this happy find love last till old age.You have a permission to make a difference and set a new rule in the Loayza
Thanks Yinka! Yup, it’s a whole new generation for the Loayza fam
Looks like you know the power of authentic relationships!
Congrats!
-Bud
“I can punch her in the face when she’s annoying
Figuratively speaking guys!”
That made me laugh out loud in class! Good stuff!
hahaha… Yea, had to make sure that no one took me seriously on that one!
Congrats Jun. It’s definitely good feeling when you relize that she is THE one. I can tell you few things from my experience:
- At every steps of the life, our lifestyle changes. Whatever I used to love few yrs back are not the same now. I have changed myself completely and I’m not the same guy what I used to be few yrs back. My lifestyle, thinking process, my career- all have been changed but they haven’t impacted on how I love my girl. But it has tremendous effect on our relationship. I simply love the way my girl handles it and it makes me to love her even more!
- Honestly, I had no idea what it means as I have not seen any divorce in my family. I remember I had similar conversation with a friend few years back. I told him that life has it’s own style. You can learn it as much as you can from your own experiences. Whoever you choose to be with, try to with her/him as much longer as you can. Try to solve all the problems before you make the biggest one which may be hard to undo. I believe that life is like a poker game. In poker, you have to play your best with whatever cards you have. Just treat your life as a poker game once you decide you’re ready to be with someone and try to enjoy/win the life-race along with her. Don’t take me wrong as I am not saying that divorce is wrong. Sometimes we have to do it as we may not have any other option available and that might be the best for everyone. Simply, I am saying that sometimes we want the best and to achieve it, we lose someone who could make the best out of nothing.
Cheers.
Pritesh
http://twitter.com/mehta1p
“Life is like a poker game.” Such a great quote! You can write a post about that.
Our lifestyles definitely do change; I think the people who stay the happiest accept the change and adapt to their environment.
Get an avatar bro
I’m only 16 and I’m have been thru both good and bad relaotionships. The girl I’m with right now is a freshman in highschool. I know I have a longbtime before I find “the one” but I wanted to know if she is. I really do love her. But when were on the phone, sometimes we don’t really talk about Anything. This can go on for maybe an hour or so. We’ve only been together for 2 months now and she really is agreat girl. But we never really talk about our relaitionship. If I never brought it up then it would never be talked about. We never really fight and sometimes when she’s mad or sad I can’t make her feel better buy I’ll notice that when she goes to her friends she immediately starts smiling and eventually gets in to a better mood. She never really ever sits down with me 1on1 and wants to talk about anything. I just can’t tell if she is right for me or not. But I do know it would break her heart if I left her becuz I do know she loves me but I want to be happy in this relaitionship. Please help me out her because I don’t really have any1else to talk to about this. My parents don’t really understand what I am talking about u guys will. Help me know if she is the right one. And if I should stay with her and pursue this relaitionship.
Hey Adam,
Before you read on, shoot me an email at me [at] junloayza.com and we can talk about it in more detail.
To leave a brief and to the point comment: This girl is NOT the one. I can tell you this for sure, and you guys will break up. Now, this doesn’t mean that you don’t care about each other or that you don’t “love” each other; all it means is that this is a learning experience for you and her.
I remember when I had my first girlfriend when I was 16. I actually liked older girls so she was 17. I thought she was “the one.” I was so obsessed with her that we would spend hours talking on the phone about nothing. My phone bill was ridiculous! But you know what, we grew out of each other.
High School is NOT the place to find your girlfriend. High School and College are great times to find out who you are.
Be with A LOT of women. Date them, care for them, love them, but realize that since you’re so young, you will grow out of each other.
After being with a lot of girls, I am now mature enough to have a serious relationship. Actually, I think 23 is still too young to be with “the one,” but I feel that I’ve been with enough girls to really know for sure.
So to summarize:
Should you break up with your girlfriend right now since she’s not the ones?
No, no need to break up with her now. Just take it as it is: a learning experience. Don’t obsess over her, don’t give her too much attention, and focus on yourself. Yes give her time, but your studies and friends ALWAYS come first.
Shoot me an email if you want to chat more.
How r u for sure she is not the one for me? She seems so perfect but she only lacks a few things. But I could easily overlook her flaws just as she does mine. And what is ur skype acc. Or if u have an Aim that would work better. But please give me more details as to why she isn’t for me. My email is sorowsblade@yahoo.com
why is dinner off limits for u??
Dinner is intimate. It should be reserved for really good friends or people you are dating. If I take my ex-girlfriend out to dinner, it would mean I’m trying to get back with her. Even if I don’t honestly mean that, it will be implied.
No dinner with exes. It will only lead to fights
Yeah i get what you mean. i thought you ment no dinner with anyone of the opposite sex like a friend whos a girl or something.
U r sounding like matured enough to take and the circumstances of life, and I’d like to congratulate both of you.
Well I have a situation to ask u n shared with u, i.e I have a boy friend whom I ready to settle my whole life. we love each other very much. But my parents force me to marry a guy whom they know very well. No doubt he is a perfect one, he has all qualities which generally girls likes.
But I cannot even think of it to spend my life with him, whom I don’t love.
Its a problem of caste, my boyfriend is not from my caste and they won’t allowed our relationship at all. I try a lot convinced my family but they asking me to keep their reputation as I’m the eldest daughter of family. What you suggest me?
What shall I do?
I shall be deeply appreciate for your help.
Thanks!
Martha.
Hi Jun,
Thank you for posting this. You def seem like you know where you want to go with your relationship with this girl. And it seems like you’re taking your time and not rushing or jumping into things (as Passion and emotions usually lead the young at heart to do).
Didn’t really catch how old you are or where you’re at in your life (goals etc.). All I’d like to say is to use it all to your advantage. If there’s a girl you’re with right now who’s mad cool enjoy every minute of it. And the big word (when ever in a relationships/marriage) is COMPROMISE.
I’m in my mid twenties and can never see myself getting married. I enjoy talking to and hanging out with multiple girls (which is not easy to do by any means, I’m still learning each step of the way…some girls get really jealous, others are really cool with it…you never know ;-)….but that’s just me.
I find that when I start judging people for that: whether they like relationships with only one girl or with tons of different girls that it only breeds negative energy and comes from a place of Insecurity within the culprit.
Having read alot about this, if I do choose to marry, it will be in my thirties.
From your post I got that you did find a girl who’s: Smart, sexy, and very very emotionally healthy….and she has a high self esteem (it sounds healthy at least). Congratulations as you seem like a fellow who does not tolerate second rate behavior from anyone (especially the women you choose to have in your world).
My interpretation of that to all the fellows out there struggling with relationships is to:
1. Know what is that you want in a Man/woman you hope to start a relationship with
Good self esteem, well groomed, respects their body i.e they eat healthy exercise etc….
2. Never settle for less
If a girl/guy you’re with doesn’t respect you, holds out on sex to control you etc…then why are you putting up with that?
3. Never judge or expect anything from your partner
Too many head games go on in relationships. To me this has to do with one word: Jealousy.
4. Always realize that the only person you can Change is YOU. So when an issue arises with a girl/guy that makes you feel fear, or anger realize that you must take full responsibility and not take the attitude of “Why is this happening to me.”
You have everything built inside of you already to make the changes towards a happier healthier way of life
5. Hang out with Positive High Energy people
People you’d want to be like or people who make you feel good. I’m not talking about people who kiss your ass or don’t give you tough love. I’m talking about people who understand respect and authenticity and honesty etc.
Apologies for the rant. Thank you again for the great post. I enjoyed reading it
-j
j,
Thank you so much for the meaningful comment. I can tell you put a lot of yourself into it so I read every single word and let it all sink in.
I’m 23 (turning 24 in a couple of months) and she’s 24. She just got promoted and is an Assistant Manager at Free People. I just launched Viralogy.com 3 weeks ago and am hoping make it a huge success. Though we’re not THERE yet, we’re definitely on track to becoming very successful and happy people.
You 5 points make perfect sense. Thanks so much for sharing your knowledge and passion and I hope to chat with you soon.
- Jun
Hey Jun,
This post is really great!! it really helps to balance out your life and not lose it all.
Being an entrepreneur does take so much energy time and you have broken it down to its simple form.
I just launched a unique dating site for book lovers and it went international already in 1 months. But i still have long way to go. Your voice has helped me thru the tough times.
Thanks.
Peter
http://www.bookflirts.com
online dating for book lovers.
That’s awesome,
You both sound like you keep busy and don’t try to rely on one another (though that brings you closer when you each realize that the other is “doing”, “giving” their all to simply “give it” not expecting anything in return….picture two dancers each “giving” to the point where it’s look so seamless, one is not trying to look better than the other etc.
Keep up the amazing posts. I’m really knew to blogs etc. Thank you for your response. I can tell you really know your etiquette.
Viralogy looks pretty interesting. Good luck with that
-j
Hey jun,
like your comments about how to find if the girlfriend is the one. Right now , i have a girlfriend who i think might be the one. Only problem is sometimes I cant understand her..seems like she’s a bit on the immature side or i am just too dense which makes me think twice of her being the one. Im 25, she’s 23… I dont know how to make our relationship a stable one if we keep on getting arguments suddenly…I know she loves me so much as i learned from her friends privately., but she’s just too idealistic? Or the retarded punchline “Gals are like that” always seems to be her favorite line ….
Can we talk over email over this?
thank you
Jun, I am utterly blown away by you. haha…. so i was bored and saw you online but you know it’s that awkward feeling you get when you want to say hi but you haven’t really spoken to the other person for such a long time it feels a bit weird? and now i feel all stalker-ish because i’m sitting here reading about your personal life in some blog you wrote a year ago.
i didn’t realize how crazy this whole start up thing has been for you. but… i want say hello and tell you that this article really struck a chord with me. kind of hit home… a little. i feel like you just smacked me with a brick common sense. anyway, congratulations. we need to keep in touch, homie.
Wow, What a meaningful advice from alot of you.
Am in kinda the same situation at the moment, though we only been dating for 4 months, things seem so right. Though itm has been 4 months of long distance, where its 2-3 weeks and i see her for 3-5 days at a time…
Is she the one when you see her and it makes her day, you wake up thinking of her and why she isn’t there with you, a simple call to hear about her day or little spontaneous romance to make her smile. Strangly never had a lady that fitted so perfectly and falling asleep in my arms, who seems to be at complete peace and falllen completely in love.
The other weekend we spent 5 days in taupo staying at a hot water resort, amazing weekend it was. One of the days we went out for lunch and the waiter asked if we were on our honeymoon… to of which (if you ignore the inital shock) she jokingly played along and seemed completly fine with the idea. More so the talk got into kids, whether or not we would have a dog or a cat, and what life would be like if she lived with me..
Currently she lives 6 hours away from me, and she is looking for a job up in my town, is it the time to ask if she wants to move in or would i assume that she would get her own flat and we continue from there.
-Digs
hey Jun,
it’s great to hear stories like this and very promising for all entrepreneurs like myself.
I love how you really break things down.
I just launched a unique dating site for book lovers and it went international already.
Very excited but i still have a long way to go.
Great blog Jun!
Thanks
Peter
http://www.bookflirts.com
online dating for book lovers.
i know that this girl bianca is the one cause every morning i only think of her and she says she always thinks of me and i tell her i love her all day but she says it more we kiss alot and we hug alot but im not certain that shes the one i need some help cause i really love this is the strongest feeling that i have ever had in love before this is the first time i have ever fell truly in love. i tell her everyting even my most deepest darkest secrets and she tells me hers her parents really like me but im not sure if shes the one i really hope she is cause i would takea bullet or a stab or uven a slow death anykind of death just for her to live i would use me last breath to tell het i love her is want to knowis she the one